This post is brought to you Twitter wunderkind @RickMuscles, who maintains the column "Squat Rack of Desire" over at Every Day Should Be Saturday, has a serious weightlifting fetish, and has the unfortunate birthright of Alabama fandom. Hold nothing against him, unless it is the body of his yoga instructor or Holly Rowe on a bed of cornbread. "I've never got my tape measure out," he has said, "but I assume Andre Johnson maintains proper thigh circumference."
In this guest appearance, Mr. Muscles has deigned to analyze the infamous workout video of former Penn State tight end Al Golden. We do not know why it ends in a picture of a dog.
1. Looks: How the hell did he get so tan in State College, PA? Tanning beds are the only explanation, this does not bode well.
2. Clothes: A+ - Al Golden is wearing proper weight room attire: 100% Cotton T shirt tucked into 100% cotton shorts. His socks are pulled up perfectly below the calves. This outfit is breathable and not form fitting to give your buddy the wrong idea. He loses points for not wearing a neck roll in the weight room, it was the 90s. Hope he forces the U to start wearing shimmy shirts in practice also.
3. Physique: Ain't gonna lie - I do not suspect Al Golden of partaking in any illegal performance enhancing drugs. I bet he was nervous about taking whey protein.
4. Music: I just want to ahead and thank "Light Years" for putting NO effort into this music. Al Golden benches like G.O.B Bluthe performs magic.
5. Camera: I bet this video was filmed on a Sony Handicam. I miss the mini cassettes, yall.
6. THE LIFT: Running Diary - Let's Break This shit down.
a. First Thought - Is Chip Morton actually training Al Golden or is he making just making a creepy video and bothering a 20 year old? Chip's a little too excited about Al's weight.
b. Once again, how is he so tan?
c. Shrugggin' - Big Al's gotta neck like a fire plug. I'll give him that.
d. Seated leg press- This is flat out pathetic. Can't make Al squat, Chip? This is why Al is a coach and not a legendary pro. Honestly, how do you stabilize your hips and lower back without squatting? No wonder these people just realized they should wear condoms when fuckin'. Aids were killer in the early 90s, yall.
e. Calf Raises - This is a cosmetic lift. This lift will not make you a better football player. I was talking to a pro scout a couple of weeks ago and he said the reason the pros are drooling over Cam Newton is due to his skinny, flexible ankles on a 6'6" 250 lbs guy. Chip's training was not innovative.
f. Bench: 13 reps at 225. Not bad. Don't blame Al for struggling, if I had to bench, with Final Countdown playing, I'd be embarrassed to lift on camera, too. Pretty weird, Chip.
g. Pec Deck: This lift will not and has not prepared anyone to be a better football player.
h. Back Machine: Totally dig this machine. Not sure I've seen one in real life. Why not do some pull ups, Chip? Bonus points for lifting with a machine that requires a seat belt.
i. What ever this towel thing is: This just looks dumb. Al shouldn't have allowed this to be filmed.
j. Shoulder: Chip really likes working these muscles out. He must not know shoulders are easy to over train because they are involved in almost every upper body lift. (been reading muscle and fitness. Except I call it Muscles and Rickness)
k. Sit ups- Chip, this is not innovative. I assume you've been fired from Cinncinnati's strength program.
Conclusion: How is Al Golden so tan? He's in State College, PA. for god's sake.