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Ryan Braun Wears Dickhead Clothes

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While scouring internet for a picture of Ryan Braun, because he turned down The Bachelorship, my eyes unfortunately went from this:

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to this:

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OOOH THE GRIM REAPER IN A SWIRL OF OLD LADY FLORAL COUCH COLORS. 

That almost makes me forget you're a baseball player, who appears to wax his entire body IN WISCONSIN.  Is this like the Ed Hardy Phantom of Darkness line?

No. Worse, actually, if such a thing is possible. 

It's called "Affliction," and purports to be "set[ing] the bar high in fashion" thanks to the collection's "indulgence of style and design, focus on quality, and its trademark series of divinely executed, dark and powerful themes. Affliction is a mainstay for the most elite athletes, heaviest bands, A-listers and the fashion conscious worldwide."

Oh, so you mean like "assholes."  We'll look for you on the runways in Paris, Affliction.

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Or not.

As for you, Braun, we love you, honey. We think you're a terrific boy.  But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.