In our unending quest for journalistic integrity, we at The Seventh Floor have chosen to recognize that, despite our best efforts to attain perfect objectivity, despite our conscious awareness to proactively screen for our own prejudices, it is at least possible that we have subconscious biases which have unknowingly permeated our psyche.
As such, we have elected to bring in a completely neutral, objective and non-biased observer to comment on the upcoming Miami-Florida State game.
Without further ado, we present our interview with the proprietor of EDSBS and shameless Urban Meyer apologist, Spencer Hall.
I would have been if Patrick Nix hadn't been busy ramming the Miami offense headfirst into a garbage disposal on every play. A six point lead on that offense was sixty.
No. You forget our natural affiliation as Miami and Florida fans: the liberating lack of burdensome shame. If it had been Spurrier, he would have thrown into the endzone. Meyer calling a timeout and kicking a field goal is what passes for decorum in our neighborhood, like breaking into a house, taking the television, but leaving the computer, because you know you might need that for work, and that's a dick move. (But we'll still take the tv.)
I will be happy to give Miami all the credit, but you and I know this game will be 10-7 or some other scrummy, low-scoring dividend. Both teams always spend this game realizing how little of their playbooks they actually know and picking their teeth off the field. The amount of figuring out done will be mitigated by the twenty offensive plays made completely unidentifiable by terrible blocking and outright confusion.
Not gay: authoritarian, like a statue of Kim Jong-Il pointing the way toward starvation and losses to Wake Forest forever. The Tebow Promise pledge is merely "gay, as in most Florida fans would make love to Tim Tebow, dudes included."
Yes. Without apology and repeatedly. If he sacks him by swinging a dead alligator he killed with a shovel I will die from pleasure. Make this happen, and I do not hold you responsible.
Trick question: Christian Ponder IS Chris Rix.
I prefer to think of him as the black Kirby Freeman, but that's just me. Black Lincoln is perfectly acceptable, because like Miami, he suffered a series of embarrassing defeats in Virginia.
Sean Spence is a shark-headed Samson with six adrenal glands and black panthers for arms. Those aren't braids on his head: they're fuses for a sex bomb.You have long admired the suspenders-and-white-mink-in-
He is made to coach in short sleeves and a stubby black tie, aka "The Full Hayes." The accessories are a clipboard, a whistle, and full black-rimmed glasses. The incongruity between what he was born to wear and the endless ill-fitting windbreakers, golf shirts, and championship leather jackets he does wear is explained by his inability to wear this on the sidelines. It's not his fault he can't wear his pants above his navel. It's this damn savage era's.Our secret dream assassination is Mr. Two Bits from the nosebleeds by sniper. Since Randy Shannon clearly cannot be killed, let's turn to our mutual enemy. Morality and punishment aside, how would you take out Bobby Bowden?
Why would a Florida fan in 2009 want Bowden dead? I fully support his brain being placed in a jar and named coach for the next five hundred years.
My favorite moment was just prior to the Swindle in the Swamp in 2003 when Channing Crowder waded into the pregame brawl against Florida State without his helmet on daring people to fight him. The look beneath the helmets of the collected Seminoles was that of total disbelief with a hint of fear. If it were a cologne, I would drink it for the cheap buzz and as a tribute to Crowder's outlandish testicularity. Beneficial side effect: I would also grow biceps on my face after consumption.With Miami, my favorite moment was watching Brock Berlin shred a clueless Florida defense in the OB. Painful? Sure. Embarrassing? Certainly. Another brick in the wall that eventually fell and crushed the Zook era at Florida, and paved the way for the eventual Meyer monopoly of all quality football capital in the Sunshine State. For that, we owe you.
Patton post-Normandy breakout: rolling on smooth roads, and only ambush through negligent driving or running out of gas can derail their advance.
True/False: Upon seeing Percy Harvin drop an easy touchdown in Monday night's NFL pre-season Vikings/Texans game, you finally resigned yourself to the fact that the University of Florida will never, ever, ever produce a decent NFL wide receiver.
False. Doering'll catch on eventually. It'll happen. Keep watching. I swear.
Game prediction for Monday night: Victor 20 Score 13
Advanced comedy rating for Florida State's plan to field a freshman kicker: Pantsmessingly Funny
We're not sure who's supposed to win, either, but many thanks to Spencer Hall for his time (not, however, for ruining Jacory Harris for us forever). Go read EDSBS.