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Shameless Objectivity: The Spencer Hall Interview

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Surprisingly not a Miami fan
Surprisingly not a Miami fan


In our unending quest for journalistic integrity, we at The Seventh Floor have chosen to recognize that, despite our best efforts to attain perfect objectivity, despite our conscious awareness to proactively screen for our own prejudices, it is at least possible that we have subconscious biases which have unknowingly permeated our psyche.

As such, we have elected to bring in a completely neutral, objective and non-biased observer to comment on the upcoming Miami-Florida State game.

Without further ado, we present our interview with the proprietor of EDSBS and shameless Urban Meyer apologist, Spencer Hall.


Before we get into this weekend's Miami-Florida State matchup, lets take a look back for just a moment, so as to put this game in its proper historical context... Tell the truth, Spencer: 9-3 at the end of the 3rd Quarter, you were pretty f*&king nervous weren't you? 
I would have been if Patrick Nix hadn't been busy ramming the Miami offense headfirst into a garbage disposal on every play. A six point lead on that offense was sixty.
Okay, lets get serious now. Lets talk Miami-Florida State. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, it's just you and God and it's the moment of truth... you thought it was a bitch move to call that time out and kick a field goal with 25 seconds left, didn't you?
No. You forget our natural affiliation as Miami and Florida fans: the liberating lack of burdensome shame. If it had been Spurrier, he would have thrown into the endzone. Meyer calling a timeout and kicking a field goal is what passes for decorum in our neighborhood, like breaking into a house, taking the television, but leaving the computer, because you know you might need that for work, and that's a dick move. (But we'll still take the tv.)
Okay, lets talk Florida State for real this time...  

Having kept a watchful eye on the Seminoles throughout this off-season, tell us... is there any truth to the rumors that UF is going to put up a 50 spot in Tallahassee on November 28th? And if so... how much of that will be attributed to Miami doing all the hard work and exposing Florida State's weaknesses on Monday night?
I will be happy to give Miami all the credit, but you and I know this game will be 10-7 or some other scrummy, low-scoring dividend. Both teams always spend this game realizing how little of their playbooks they actually know and picking their teeth off the field. The amount of figuring out done will be mitigated by the twenty offensive plays made completely unidentifiable by terrible blocking and outright confusion.
The Bobby Bowden statue outside Doak Campbell... "not as gay", "equally as gay", or "much, much gayer" than the Tim Tebow Promise Plaque outside Ben Hill Griffin?
Not gay: authoritarian, like a statue of Kim Jong-Il pointing the way toward starvation and losses to Wake Forest forever. The Tebow Promise pledge is merely "gay, as in most Florida fans would make love to Tim Tebow, dudes included."
Serious football stuff now... If Allen Bailey makes Christian Ponder spit up blood at any point during the game... will you in fact giggle quietly to yourself?
Yes. Without apology and repeatedly. If he sacks him by swinging a dead alligator he killed with a shovel I will die from pleasure. Make this happen, and I do not hold you responsible.
If the unspeakable happens and Jacory Harris gets injured Monday night, forcing Miami to go with true freshman AJ Highsmith at QB, does fairness demand that Chris Rix suit up for Florida State?
Trick question: Christian Ponder IS Chris Rix.
Speaking of: is Jacory Harris the Angel Gabriel, a black Lincoln in pads, or merely the culmination of all things good and beautiful?
I prefer to think of him as the black Kirby Freeman, but that's just me. Black Lincoln is perfectly acceptable, because like Miami, he suffered a series of embarrassing defeats in Virginia.
You once deftly described an incarnation of LSU as werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick. Since that's taken, how would you classify Sean Spence?
Seanspence_medium Seanspence2_medium
Sean Spence is a shark-headed Samson with six adrenal glands and black panthers for arms. Those aren't braids on his head: they're fuses for a sex bomb.
You have long admired the suspenders-and-white-mink-in-the-sunshine style of Howard Schnellenberger and his wife Beverley, which tells us you are a man of wealth and non-football taste. To further your credentials, one of us has seen you order duck confit in a bar from the confines of a lavender argyle sweater, and the other has witnessed your exacting and virile samba. Is there anything he could wear, or any cosmopolitan hobby he could take up, that would make Urban Meyer even remotely appealing to anyone, anywhere? 
He is made to coach in short sleeves and a stubby black tie, aka "The Full Hayes." The accessories are a clipboard, a whistle, and full black-rimmed glasses. The incongruity between what he was born to wear and the endless ill-fitting windbreakers, golf shirts, and championship leather jackets he does wear is explained by his inability to wear this on the sidelines. It's not his fault he can't wear his pants above his navel. It's this damn savage era's.
Our secret dream assassination is Mr. Two Bits from the nosebleeds by sniper. Since Randy Shannon clearly cannot be killed, let's turn to our mutual enemy. Morality and punishment aside, how would you take out Bobby Bowden?
Why would a Florida fan in 2009 want Bowden dead? I fully support his brain being placed in a jar and named coach for the next five hundred years.
Name a favorite moment from either of your in-state rivalries that isn't Devin Hester returning the opening kickoff against Florida in 2003. Oh, wait -- that's ours. You go.
My favorite moment was just prior to the Swindle in the Swamp in 2003 when Channing Crowder waded into the pregame brawl against Florida State without his helmet on daring people to fight him. The look beneath the helmets of the collected Seminoles was that of total disbelief with a hint of fear. If it were a cologne, I would drink it for the cheap buzz and as a tribute to Crowder's outlandish testicularity. Beneficial side effect: I would also grow biceps on my face after consumption. 

With Miami, my favorite moment was watching Brock Berlin shred a clueless Florida defense in the OB. Painful? Sure. Embarrassing? Certainly. Another brick in the wall that eventually fell and crushed the Zook era at Florida, and paved the way for the eventual Meyer monopoly of all quality football capital in the Sunshine State. For that, we owe you.
Jerome Brown charmingly forgot who won WWII when he likened the Hurricanes to Japan on Pearl Harbor's Eve. Later, Kellen Winslow became an army of one for the UMPD (special forces, natch).  What military force or skirmish best defines the Gators this year?
Patton post-Normandy breakout: rolling on smooth roads, and only ambush through negligent driving or running out of gas can derail their advance.

Lastly...

True/False: Upon seeing Percy Harvin drop an easy touchdown in Monday night's NFL pre-season Vikings/Texans game, you finally resigned yourself to the fact that the University of Florida will never, ever, ever produce a decent NFL wide receiver.

False. Doering'll catch on eventually. It'll happen. Keep watching. I swear.

Game prediction for Monday night: Victor 20 Score 13

Advanced comedy rating for Florida State's plan to field a freshman kicker: Pantsmessingly Funny

We're not sure who's supposed to win, either, but many thanks to Spencer Hall for his time (not, however, for ruining Jacory Harris for us forever). Go read EDSBS.