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breaking down today's matchups

in our unending quest to provide you with the very best "coverage" around, we've taken the liberty of breaking down the important matchups to look out for during today's miami/ notre dame game. in depth analysis, after the jump.

tv contracts: notre dame recently renewed it's contract with nbc. pursuant to the terms of their new contract, nbc guarantees notre dame eleventeen billion dollars per year, and national television coverage for every game through the year 2092. not to be outdone, earlier this season, miami had one of it's games broadcast in standard definition. advantage: notre dame


hair do's:



advantage: miami


persuading rape victims to kills themselves:  traditional college football wisdom would automatically give miami the advantage in any category involving violent crime. in a strange reversal of fortunes, however, notre dame now leads the nation in persuading chicks who got raped by a football player to kill themselves. which, as it turns out, renders her statement to investigators inadmissible as hearsay and has the effect of getting all charges dropped. advantage: notre dame


daywalkers:  it's common knowledge that between 92 and 96 percent of notre dame's fan are repressed catholics from illinois, ohio, michigan, indiana and western pennsylvania (more commonly known "the sausage belt"), and that none of these people actually attended college at notre dame. it is equally well known, however, that anywhere from 98.4 and 99.2 percent of miami's fan base did not graduate from middle school. advantage: draw 


living in the past: once again, we see that traditional college football wisdom has been turned on its head. for the better part 6 decades, notre dame has been desperately clinging to a simpler time. a time when notre dame football was the dominant force in college football. then cars were invented. tv's came in color. and notre dame fell from grace. more recently however, it has been the university of miami who has been desperately clinging to a happier time. a time when cocaine and pastels were the order of the day. yes, miami resurrected itself in spectacular fashion after the suspension years. and yes, the streak is still alive. but these last few years, miami has found itself clinging to the past entirely too much. and frankly, we find it very unbecoming. advantage: draw


operating scissor lifts: admittedly, miami has an unfair advantage in this category. miami is routinely subjected to  tropical depressions, tropical storms, and... you know, other really serious tropical weather events. as such, miami has become quite adept at operating machinery in adverse weather conditions. notre dame, through no fault of their own, simply has not had as much experience operating machinery in such conditions. and it shows. advantage: miami


all told, miami and notre dame appear to be very evenly matched. we eagerly await kickoff and politely remind those of you who made the trip to el paso... that souvenirs from juaraez are always appreciated.