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Miami + Options Market + Football: What Could Go Wrong?

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Miami has opened up an options market for future game tickets, and naturally, Lt. Winslow knows exactly where this is all headed. His peak into the future is after the jump for your safety.

see... the value of the ticket options are derived from the performance of the underlying team. hence, the ticket options are known as "derivatives".
 
as the team plays better, the value of the derivative ticket option goes up. conversely, as the team plays shittier, the value of the derivative ticket options go down. 
 
in their infancy, these derivative ticket options were created for actual fans, who want to hedge their undying team love, against the risk that their girlfriend's best friend's fiance is a f*&king f&ggot who scheduled his wedding for a saturday in the middle of college football season.
 
all well & good, right?
 
fans soon found themselves selling these derivative ticket options at a price significantly higher, or lower, than their original purchase price, due to their teams unexpected upset victories and/or collapses. 
 
soon, these derivative ticket options were being purchased predominantly by scalpers, and not actual fans.
 
almost overnight, these derivative ticket options began being traded in what is known as a derivative ticket options market, where scalpers trading derivative tickets options with other scalpers for the sole purpose of pocketing a nominal profit, and without any interest in actually exercising the ticket options, nor any concern for who would be left holding the ticket options when music stops. 
 
real fans soon found themselves forced to pay exorbitant commissions for the privilege of being screwed over by derivative ticket options traders, who systematically pawned the shittiest tickets off on their unsuspecting customers, while saving the gems for themselves and their corporate clients, whom they hoped to lure in for the purpose of screwing them over on a much larger scale. 
  
and then one day... some scalper comes up with this idea that you can package up a bunch of different ticket options together into these complex products known as CTO (Collateralized Ticket Option). the premise behind these CTO's being that if you package up the high quality ticket options (Miami, Texas, Bama, et al) with the shittier ticket options (Texas A&M, NC St., Wash. St.) then the high quality tickets will offset the shitty tickets, creating balance and ensuring that no one who purchases the CTO gets screwed b/c the good offsets the bad.
 
the CTO's are broken up into tranches (slices), the top tranches containing ticket options for high quality tickets (e.g. front rown, 50 yardline). whereas the bottom tranches containing options for shittier tickets (upper deck, corner/endzone 45th row).
 
pretty soon, some scalper comes up with this idea for a "synthetic CTO" whereby you the composition of the CTO is actually determined by a formula, as opposed to just picking a team and including it in the CTO. so for example CTO "X" may contains ticket options for 50 yd line seats for the team ranked 1st in the SEC West, and upper deck 40th row for the team ranked 4th in the Pac 10. thus, the composition of CTO "X" actually changes from week to week. pretty soon, you can't actually ascertain which team's ticket options are contained in the CTO, b/c it changes from week to week.
 
soon, these formulas get ever more complex, and now CTO "X" contains ticket options for 50 yd line seats to the team with the most offensive passing yards on passing plays of 35 yards or more, or passing plays to the left side of the field, against teams from the Pac 10, or the Mountain West, during the first half.
 
and the next thing you know... there's like 4 indian math geeks in the entire country, none of whom actually watch football, who are qualified to do deconstruct these insanely complex formulae, and actually figure out which team's tickets are in the CTO you just bought.
 
and then... just when you think it can't get any f*&king crazier...
 
it turns out that pretty much all the scalpers were loading up their CTO's with tickets to the Big 12 Championship. which was fully disclosed, in 6 pt. font, on page 236 of the 486 page prospectus that was mailed out upon purchase.
 
so yeah... just be careful with that is all i'm saying.