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Eichorst leaves Miami for Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

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The news of Miami's Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst's corny departure for Nebraska is sending shock-waves through the global commodities market.

Bruce Thorson-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

The ethanol markets are soaring. Last I checked, corn prices at Publix have tripled! Getting a bucket of popcorn at the movies requires home refinancing. Why has the departure of 'Canes AD Eichorst had such deleterious effects? We'll have plenty of time to get into it in the future, but right now I'd like to extend the corn branch of peace to Eichorst on behalf of all 'Canes fans. To accomplish this, I've prepared a survival guide to help Shawn find a home in the barren and forgotten pastures of Nebraska. First, make sure you have a Geiger counter. Take note of the identical landscape in both videos . . . After hearing this song and witnessing the glory of Nebraska, you know what? I don't blame you for leaving . . . Contrary to popular belief, Nebraska is actually a better place to break into Hollywood than Miami. So if you've got your eye on Tinsel Town . . .

Halloween is coming up and from what I've heard it's a big deal in NE. Don't worry, Shawn, I have the perfect costume in mind . . . I don't know if you're a fan of stand-up comedy, but I think a few of these jokes would go over real well in Lincoln . . . Tom Osborne and friends cut a song just as you were hired. The idea was to have a plan ready to keep you around. Our hackers penetrated the University of Nebraska firewall (a few wooden planks held upright with a cow carcass) and got the goods . . .