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Breaking News on Miami's Sanctions Leaked by Mythical Creatures

Ahead of the big NCAA announcement tomorrow I have done everything I could to get inside information. Nothing worked. I decided to contact some sources from an old story we ran years back – when we were part of Category 6.

Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE

It all started with Yahoo’s Charles Robinson and his fantastical reporting about Nevin Shapiro’s influence at Miami, using a gaggle of anonymous or unreliable sources. The reporting on those stories was as silly as asking Freddy Kruger for a happy-ending at a massage parlor. You. Wouldn’t. Do. It. And the performance by the scandal-ridden and seemingly-incompetent NCAA was also something to behold.

Maybe, after years of self-sanctioning and making sure there were no bad elements lingering around the program (Nevin is rotting away in prison much like the fake groceries he peddled) the NCAA is finally ready. After taking only a few minutes to sweep the Johnny Manziel fiasco under the rug, less time to investigate a school-wide academic-athletics cheating scandal at FSU – the idiocy of the Miami investigation still lingers – at least for another day.

But before that announcement comes to light – I felt that ‘Canes fans should be rewarded for their patience so I engaged in some real investigative reporting.

Back when Shapiro-Gate first reared its ugly head, I contacted two Leprechauns, Dave and Ursula, who had been tricked by Yahoo’s Charles Robinson into the smuggling and sale of mythical creatures. I’m told by Hollywood insiders that the hit show Grimm was loosely based on the story I uncovered.

This time, I sat down with ‘Canes fans’ favorite Leprechauns, Dave and Ursula, and the revelations were astounding. This is a transcript from our recorded interview. Since hearing their voices without proper protection is a kind of glam, I cannot release the actual tapes.

JOSH: Dave and Ursula, how are you?

DAVE: I’m fine. We both are (laughs)

URSULA: Nice to see you too, Josh. It’s been a while . . . Not that we’re not glad to see you, but we thought all this business would be over by now. I mean 3 years is a long time.

JOSH: Yes it is, Ursula. I don’t want to rush you guys, but can you tell me what you’ve found out?

DAVE: Well, we tried to stay away from the magic and stuff, but we owed you after you helped Ursula and me get away from that Robinson fellow. I spoke to a Sprite named Jessica and a Centaur named William. In turn, they spoke to Freddy, a Gargoyle living in Manhattan, who asked Angie, a benevolent poltergeist form Prague, who-

URSULA: (laughs) If I don’t cut in, he’ll go on all day! What we found is that Mark Emmert is part of a coven of Warlocks. They need a sacrifice in order to maintain the dark power.

JOSH: Sacrifice? Dark Power?

URSULA: (nodding enthusiastically) Yes, the power of control. The NCAA is an illusion. It exist to leech the hard work of others into a money making scheme. What they do is convert all that money into power and wield it with incredible inconsistency.

DAVE: Like with the autographs by Johnny Football. Or the tattoos at Ohio State.

URSULA: Or that evil ghoul from Penn State.

JOSH: I still don’t get it. How does magic have anything to do with the NCAA?

DAVE: Open your eyes, kiddo. It’s all a glam. The NCAA makes billions off the backs of the players and treats them like rubbish. The Universities all know it, but they are afraid to speak up.

JOSH: So what’s going to happen tomorrow?

URSULA: Not much. People are starting to wake up. Questions are being asked. Questions that Emmert and his coven do not want answered.

JOSH: What questions?

DAVE: About power. About the abuses of power. One those questions are asked, the genie is out of the bottle. The greatest trick the Devil ever did was convincing people he didn’t exist.

JOSH: Are you saying Mark Emmert is the Devil?

URSULA: Of course not! Me husband Dave is a bit melodramatic. It just sounds good, especially with Halloween coming up and all.

DAVE: What we’re trying to tell you is that nothing major is going to happen. Just a slap on the wrist to make a good show out of it. Pushing too far would not be wise as the Shalala is a wise and learned entity that takes not kindly to travesties of unfairness.

JOSH: That’s good to know. I can’t wait to tell ‘Canes Fam about this. They’ll be psyched!

URSULA: It’s all about the U! (throws up the U with her little Leprechaun hands)

DAVE: It’s all about me pot of gold! At least for the NCAA.