SOTU Guest Q&A: UgotSAPPED Previews Miami-Florida State

STATE OF THE U SITS DOWN WITH LOCAL INTELLECTUAL AND SHARK SPARRING ENTHUSIAST UGOTSAPPED TO TALK ABOUT THIS WEEK’S MATCHUP WITH THE NOLES. FOR MORE BATH-SALTS INDUCED TAKES, YOU CAN FOLLOW UGOTSAPPED ON TWITTER @UgotSapped.

SOTU: It’s hard to imagine that there are any readers here on the site that aren’t at least passingly familiar with your, uh… presence… here. Can you tell us a little more about the the sap behind THE SAPP?

UGOTSAPPED: THANK YOU FOR THAT WONDERFUL INTRODUCTION. IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH SAPP IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE:

1. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ANYWAY?

2. YOU LIVE IN THE TOWN FROM FOOTLOOSE WHERE FUN IS BANNED F/K/A CLEMSON, SOUTH CAROLINA; OR

3. YOU'RE A BRAND NEW FSU TROLL AND, BOY HOWDY, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

SAPP IS A SIMPLE CREATURE. HE LOVES LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, PUGILISTIC EMBRACES WITH MARINE PREDATORS, AND THE SNAP OF A QUARTERBACK’S RIB BONE WHISPERED SO DELICATELY INTO SAPP’S EAR THAT IT MAKES SAPP FEEL AS IF IT WAS ONLY MEANT FOR HIM TO HEAR. MORE OF SAPP’S FAVORITE THINGS INCLUDE: JUDGES, SUPERB OWLS, PIZZA, BIG EAST FOOTBALL, NOLE TEARS, AND GIFS (PRONOUNCED ‘JEFFS’).

SOTU: It’s undeniable that the Miami football program has been riding a wave of momentum and positive energy since the hiring of Coach Richt in December. What is your reaction to this new direction for the program?

UGOTSAPPED: SAPP HAS TO SAY THAT AT FIRST HE WAS NOT ON BOARD THE RICHT TRAIN. SAPP THOUGHT THAT ONLY BUTCH HAD THE GUILE AND GRAVITAS TO GUIDE THIS PROGRAM BACK TO ITS FORMER GLORY. SAPP IS HAPPY TO ADMIT THAT HE WAS WRONG, THOUGH. OF ALL THE IMPRESSIVE THINGS HE’S ACCOMPLISHED SO FAR, SAPP’S FAVORITE WAS THAT ONE TIME THAT HE MANAGED TO TWIST THE PANTIES OF EVERY NOLE FAN IN A 500 MILE RADIUS BY BASICALLY SAYING THAT DALVIN COOK IS PRETTY GREAT AS OPPOSED TO MEGA ULTRA GREAT. RICHT IS ALWAYS 3 STEPS AHEAD AND SAPP IS PRETTY SURE THAT DALVIN COOK’S CONFIDENCE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED FOR THE GAME ON SATURDAY.

SOTU: Last season, you likened every ACC Member School to pizzas. Do you still stand by your decision to dub Florida State “SALAMI, THE PEPPERONI HOPEFUL” even after losses this year to Papa John’s and Subway?

UGOTSAPPED: YES, THAT’S TRUE. UNFORTUNATELY A LOT OF SAPP’S PIZZA TAKES FROM THAT PREVIEW LAST YEAR HAVE NOT HELD UP VERY WELL OUTSIDE OF THE HEATWAVE BAG. WHILE SAPP STANDS BY THE SALAMI ANALYSIS FROM A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE, SAPP WILL REVISE FSU’S PIZZA STATUS FOR THIS YEAR IN PARTICULAR TO…

MEXICAN PIZZA

IT OFFERS VERY LITTLE RESISTANCE AS YOU PUT AWAY SLICE AFTER SLICE BUT DON’T BE LULLED INTO A FALSE SENSE OF INTESTINAL SECURITY--IT WILL COME BACK ON YOU RIGHT WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. ACC TEAMS MAY FIND THIS PIZZA MESSY BUT ULTIMATELY PALATABLE DUE TO LACK OF KICK.

SOTU: The ‘Canes are ranked above the ‘Noles going into their yearly skirmish for the first time since 2010. The Noles have faced a lot of early challenges and have lost their first two ACC contests. Should FSU fans be as discouraged as they are after only 5 games?

UGOTSAPPED: OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A VERY TOUGH ISSUE AS IT WAS THE REASON FOR SAPP’S RECENT SAVE A NOLE OUTREACH FOUNDATION. DUE TO THE TIRELESS EFFORTS OF VOLUNTEERS AND DONORS TOGETHER, MANY DISILLUSIONED NOLE FANS WILL SIT DOWN AND WATCH A DELIGHTFUL SPACE OPERA ON SATURDAY NIGHT INSTEAD OF THE STRESSFUL PROLONGED TRAIN-WRECK OF A GAME THEY SO RICHLY DESERVE AFTER SIX YEARS OF BRAZEN TRASH TALK AND DISMISSIVE HOLIER THAN THOU ATTIT--

YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND. THE RENT IS DUE FOR THESE CLOWNS. NO MERCY.

SOTU: You recently coordinated a large and generous effort to enhance the facilities at the Hurricanes’ new state of the art Indoor Practice Facility. What did you find most rewarding about the experience? Was there anything else you wanted for the new facility that did not come to fruition?

UGOTSAPPED: SAPP IS VERY PROUD OF HIS WORK IN BRINGING THE MIAMI FACILITIES INTO THE 21ST CENTURY. WHILE WE WERE ABLE TO INCLUDE A LOT OF GREAT FEATURES IN THIS PARTICULAR FACILITY, SAPP IS ALWAYS LOOKING TOWARD THE FUTURE. HERE ARE JUST A FEW PROJECTS SAPP HOPES THE ADMINISTRATION CAN LOOK INTO IN THE NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE:

• THE MICHAEL J. IRVIN ROCK GARDEN
• THE KIRBY FREEMAN BACKUP TRANSFER TATTOO REMOVAL CLINIC
• THE NAJEH DAVENPORT SELF-SERVICE LAUNDRY ROOM
• THE TED HENDRICKS ‘MAD STORK’ INFANT NURSERY AND DAYCARE FACILITY
• THE NEVIN SHAPIRO WASTE PROCESSING FACILITY

SOTU: You’ve seen a few wild times, give us your over/under prediction on how many Miami fans will be too intoxicated (and/or incarcerated) to enter the game by the 8pm kickoff?

UGOTSAPPED: SAPP IS A PARTY OPTIMIST. NOBODY ROLLS INTO HARD ROCK STADIUM LOOKING TO LEAVE EARLY. THAT BEING SAID, SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ARE DRINKING FOR EIGHTEEN HOURS STRAIGHT THE MD20/20 STARTS MAKING YOU SEE THINGS MORE LIKE 20/200. SAPP PREDICTS THAT 500 FANS DON’T MAKE THE GAME DUE TO MAD DOG ATTRITION, HOWEVER AN ADDITIONAL 20 WILL MAKE IT INTO THE GAME WITHOUT ORIGINALLY HAVING TICKETS BY RUNNING THE POCKETS OF PASSED-OUT NOLES FANS IN THE PARKING LOT.

SOTU: Give us your prediction for the score on Saturday night.

UGOTSAPPED: SAPP DOESN’T WANT TO TIE HIMSELF DOWN HERE AND GET TOO SPECIFIC, BUT SMART MONEY WOULD SAY THAT DIAZ TURNS UP THE HEAT ON FRENCHY EARLY TO THE TUNE OF 3.5 SACKS AND 10 TFL ON THE NIGHT. KAAYA GOES 16 FOR 22 FOR 300 AND 3 TDS ON MOSTLY VERTICAL PLAY ACTION PLAYS SET UP BY THE STRONG GROUND DUO OF WALTON AND YEARBY. LOOK FOR THE DIFFERENCE MAKER IN THIS GAME TO BE A TIPPED BALL INTERCEPTED BY SEBASTIAN, RETURNED TO THE HOUSE, AND EXPERTLY SWAPPED WITH A GOLDEN EGG LAID DIRECTLY IN THE CENTER OF THE END ZONE. CANES WIN 38-34!!! WHAT’S INSIDE THE EGG, YOU ASK? AN AUTOGRAPHED 8X10 OF AL GOLDEN. ENJOY IT FOREVER, JIMBO. THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

That’s it for now! Until Saturday at 8PM, stay tuned to the State of the U for all of the latest Canes-FSU happenings. Have thoughts on UgotSAPPED’s predictions? Sound off in the comments below. (WARNING: please bear in mind that SOTU disclaims all legal responsibility for your mental health and wellbeing when directly engaging UgotSAPPED in a comments section).