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Why the Florida Gators will beat the Miami Hurricanes, according to Gators fans

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The most delusional fan base in college football strikes again.

This morning I got a text from my cousin Eli, a Gators fan. It read, “DBs elite, RBs elite, WRs legit #2 group in the country behind Clemson’s, QB vet, and DL elite.” The Chick-Fil-A Kickoff Game is quickly approaching and apparently this will be a bloodbath against the most stacked team in college football, the Florida Gators? Like most great rivalries in sports, the mounting trash talk from both sides has been one of the most entertaining things to watch during the pre-game build up. Whether it’s the erasure of the Canes edge in the overall record or the talent at multiple positions, the irrational hot takes have been nonstop among the Florida base. Generally, the sentiment is the same: Miami is horrible across the board and has no chance. Here are some of the most interesting and confusing jabs coming out of Gainesville over the past few weeks.

The Record is Useless

I get it. I’m a firm believer in past behavior not predicting future matchups. However, this “only up by 3” argument making its rounds on social media is the desperate refuge for some fans and former past players. Do you guys see this graphic? Are we all looking at the same thing? It’s staggeringly one-sided over the past two decades. The overwhelming Gators slaughter will have no bearing on August 24th. But the high-level of confidence and audacity coming from their fans after being stomped in the dirt for years is truly amazing.

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Our Defense Will Collapse

Any concept of a blowout on Florida’s end is clearly not based in reality. The Hurricanes allowed 4.30 YPPP (3rd), 278.9 YPG (4th), 19.5 PPG (18th) in 2018. Even if you include the departure of some of the team’s top tacklers, several key figures of that defense still remains. The biggest factor, Manny Diaz as the head coach would never allow for this ultimate collapse that the Gators fans dream of. This sudden faith in Feleipe Franks’ ability to put up a crazy number of points is a testament to the Kool-Aid drinking going on in Gainesville .

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Florida is the Real TE-U

This is the biggest joke of them all, let’s run down the stats here. Brevin Jordan finished 2018 with 32 receptions, 287 yards and 4 TDs. Will Mallory had 5 rec, 37 yards and 1 TD. The collection of Florida returning tight ends is as follows: Kemore Gamble (7 rec , 58 yards, 0 TDs), Kyle Pitts (3 rec, 73 yards, 1 TD), and Lucas Krull (6 rec, 75 yards, and 0 TDs). The newsflash here is that the Florida TEs have less yards and TDs collectively than Jordan. This TE fantasy is clearly the creation of Gators fans who watch a loop of those whopping 16 catches, while listening to trash Kodak Black, and hoping Jordan Reed walks through the door.

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Florida is Better at Every Position

You read that correctly. Florida is better at every position than Miami. Throw all of the watch lists and personal awards out of the window. There’s been plenty of “Who has the advantage?” posts on social media. After scanning through a few, it’s undoubtedly clear that a mass of Gators fans truly believe that they have the upper-hand at every turn. Even when, as we’ve seen in the above TE breakdown, statistics or facts don’t agree.

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Cars and FIJI Water

This video was truly hilarious. This Florida fan was clearly jacked up when he stated, “Who cares about the U?” and that Canes fans are living in the past. He then pointed to his car and talked about FIJI Water. I don’t know what any of this has to do with winning, but I do know the Canes own free real estate in this man’s head. To answer his question about who cares about The U, sir it’s clearly you. Unless he makes videos about every “used-to-be-versity?”, in his abundance of free time he spends in parking lots.

August 24th can’t come soon enough! Talk is truly cheap and none of it will matter once the hard-hitting begins. I hope these same people are on Twitter once the clock hits 0:00 in the 4th quarter. I’ll be around, ready for a mentions pull up, and sipping on something a lot stronger than water.