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What to learn from each of the coaches at Miami’s Coaching Clinic in March of 2022

I hope that all of you realize this is just a light hearted joke. Relax, take a deep breath, enjoy life.

January 1, 1988: NCAA Orange Bowl Game - Oklahoma Sooner v Miami Hurricanes Photo by Focus on Sport/Getty Images

The Miami Hurricanes have announced their coaching clinic for the spring. On March 25th and 26th of 2022, the ‘Canes will host coaches and show off a fully padded practice on Greentree.

Thankfully, I’ve been given an early glance at the speaking schedule for the ‘Canes clinic on March 25th and 26th.

Haircare techniques with Jimmy Johnson

NFL Hall of Fame coach Jimmy Johnson headlines the clinic. And speaking of head, the 78 year old Johnson still has one hell of a head of hair. Johnson, who has served as an NFL analyst for Fox for the better part of 20 years, is a two-time Super Bowl winning head coach. More importantly than building a championship roster or managing the egos of stars like Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith (Michael Irvin/g would NEVER) is JJ’s haircare routine.

Coaching in the ACC requires the ability for the follicles to overcome Miami humidity, Massachusetts snow storms, and whatever hangs in the air over Tallahassee. Jimmy’s preferred method? Denorex (and a lot of hair gel!).

Rote memorization with Sean McVay

As we’ve all heard a million times, recent Super Bowl winning head coach Sean McVay has one hell of a memory. JJ was known for playing bridge to improve his memory and McVay is probably no slouch at Wordle (do you have to remember stuff for Wordle’ing? I have no idea). And we’re in luck, he’s already the master of the whiteboard.

Coach McVay is a big name on the ‘Canes clinic poster and will be teaching coaches how to remember important dates in United States History with a special guest T.A. in former social studies teacher Alex Mirabal. If you can’t remember what the Potsdam Conference was about and when it took place, what can you do?

Listening to understand with Ed Orgeron

Ed Orgeron, a former defensive line coach at The U, is on the docket to clinicize the locals, too. Coach O won his only National Championship as a head coach while at LSU in 2019. He strapped a rocket to the rear end of former New Orleans Saints analyst Joe Brady and former Ohio State back up QB Joe Burrow to throw over 60 TD’s on the season.

Since then, Coach O has been seen jogging, hanging out in gas station snack bars, and will now make his return to the University of Miami campus in March. Coach O will focus on an important topic for coaches and spouses alike- listening to understand. What is Ed’s teaching pedagogy? Just lean in really close and squint while listening to him speak.

PS. Fellas, she doesn’t want your advice, she just wants you to listen and nod.

Being SEO friendly on Google with Darren Rizzi

When you Google Darren Rizzi (which I had to do to know who the hell he is) the first thing that pops up might make Coach Rizzi cringe a little (or be really flattered / proud, who knows?!).

But the key to becoming a successful coach, blogger, fanboy, Twitter Spaces hero, etc is of course Search Engine Optimization or SEO (LOL at Miami losing in the image above, I didn’t pick that on purpose but of course, GO PHINS!). Coach Rizzi is going to show us how to make sure when you google a name, it pops up with him instead of the Missus.

No sleep til Brooklyn with Mario Cristobal

Who needs sleep when you can drink more cafecito, amirite? Mario Cristobal hasn’t closed his eyes for longer than a blink or a sneeze requires since arriving in Coral Gables as the head coach of the ‘Canes. The human body is made up of 60 percent water, but Crisotbal has gone full Detective Rue and poured coffee into the water filter so technically he’s 55% water, and 5% Bustelo.

Doctors recommend 7-9 hours of sleep for normal humans, and 8-10 for athletes, but Coach Cristobal is completely dial in to the Kramer Method, lesser-known-as DaVinci Sleep. Just a few milliseconds of shut eye throughout the day and you’re on your way to the Pac-12 Championship Game and a showdown with Utah!

Poster Values

All jokes aside, this looks like a damn good clinic that I wish I could attend. Once again, Mario Cristobal went big and landed the most recent Super Bowl winning head coach, a ‘Canes and NFL coaching legend, one of the best recruiters in college football history, and some kicking guy to bring more attention to what he’s building down in Gables.