Welcome back State of the U readers to our new-ish series “Yeah, No, Pero...” a review of off-topic subjects about University of Miami fandom. Here we will explore the peculiar, quirky, irreverent, fringe, and sometimes odd subjects that help define the phrase: “It’s a Canes Thing, U Wouldn’t Understand.” Today’s topic...
Top 5 Turnover Chain Replacements!
Reports are that Mario Cristobal’s staff is shelving the turnover chain. Frankly, good riddance. It was a fun motivational tool for when you’re beating the holy heck out of Notre Dame. But it’s cringe worthy to bust out a gaudy gold chain to celebrate picking off an opponent’s backup quarterback when your team trails by four touchdowns.
Still, a uniquely Miami prop of some sort could be a good award. Perhaps something to give the game’s MVP. We here at “Yeah, No, Pero” have painstakingly researched countless options of uniquely Miami rewards, and have assembled this list of Top 5 options to replace the turnover chain:
No. 5 - The Golden Croquette
Nothing motivates young athletes like food. So a fittingly Miami reward could be a freshly fried cylinder of doughy goodness. But we’re not talking about an ordinary croquette. Oh no. We imagine gifting a deserving athlete something the size of Ray Lewis’ forearm. A gargantuan croquette that even the beefiest lineman would need a solid 10 minutes to consume. Such a calorie bomb may eventually send the player running to the nearest porcelain throne, but in that moment he’ll feel on top the world holding a massive croquette for a job well done.
No. 4 - The Porcelain Gallo
Speaking of porcelain...our next proposal is a hand-held statue of Miami’s most brawny symbol - a gallo! That’s a rooster to the gringos. These magnificent creatures can be found throughout Miami-Dade County in prominent locations such as underneath the I-95 overpass and your Tio’s backyard. Imagine a deserving player proudly hoisting his very own porcelain rooster for fans to admire as if declaring that he is the King of the Gallos! There is no greater display of superior masculinity.
No. 3 - The Stone Crab Claw
As an alternative consumable to a gluttonous croquette, Miami could instead dish out a decadent stone crab claw. Or maybe a bucket of them since they don’t come in prop size. Now, stone crab aficionados may be quick to point out that stone crab season doesn’t start until October. We just see this as an extra incentive once the team hits the stride of its conference schedule. Early season awardees will have to settle for preserved (i.e. frozen) claws while conference and post-season winners get fresh claws.
No. 2 - The Victory Cigar
Awarding tobacco products to student athletes would probably not fly with the UM administration, even though the football program was built on the back of Howard Schellenberger and his iconic pipe. But cigars have to be the celebratory symbol most interwoven into Miami culture. If Joe Burrow can light up a cigar then so should victorious Hurricanes. Thus, our second best option is to hand out MVP cigars straight from calle ocho.
No. 1 - The Cafecito Cup
Our champion of victory props has to be a colada (aka cafecito). Anyone who’s labored away in a Miami office knows that at 3:05pm work comes to a grinding halt so that employees can fill tiny plastic cups with this sugary, black nectar. We envision Coach Cristobal bestowing the team’s MVP with a golden styrofoam cup filled to the brim with Cuban coffee, and then the game’s MVP would turn to his teammates holding their smaller, disposable cups awaiting a pour from the MVP’s chalet. This would be an incredible display of teamwork. Imagine the Canes’ quarterback serving his lineman the first shots of cafecito as a thanks for protecting his blindside. Champions share in the glory, and that’s why we have this as the top replacement for the turnover chain.
Any other suggestions for replacing the turnover chain? Tell us in the comments!